Surrender

"Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender
Without losing all control?

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end, and we are caught in the middle.
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is,
But will we trade our dreams for his, or are we caught in the middle?"
~ Casting Crowns, "Somewhere in the middle"

There are times when I am really reminded of my weaknesses. And this is one of them. The truth is that I am not good at accepting criticism. I know I am not perfect, and I have no problem acknowledging my own weaknesses. But I have a really hard time accepting criticism from others. And when others criticize me, I have a tendency to dwell on it. To think about what I could have and/or should have done better. Or I tend to think up defenses and excuses for why I did what I did, and/or why the other person is wrong.

This is not something I like about myself. I wish I could take criticism in stride and just let it go. That I could apologize and move on - changing if I need to, and just letting it go if I don't.

But I don't do that. And I think it stems from my own insecurities. When I was little the fastest way to make me cry was to yell at me. I am a people pleaser. Guilt trips have always worked on me, especially when I was younger - and many times I have used it on myself. I would do something I knew was wrong and so I would punish myself.

The song I quoted above is one of my favorites from Casting Crowns, because I think it's so true of all of us - we are all somewhere in the middle between who we were and who God is calling us to be. One of my favorite parts is just before the chorus where it says "Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender, without losing all control?" Last night in TEENS we were talking about fears and one of my biggest fears is not being in control. And I think that connects to my need to please people - because then I am doing a good job at being in control. And when I mess up, I remember that I am not capable of being fully in control, no matter how badly I want it.

"Perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18) I know I quoted this verse before but it was the theme verse from TEENS last night, and what I need to remind myself of. I need to be ok letting go of control. And I need to be ok with the fact that I am not perfect, but you can use me anyway. Which reminds me of another Casting Crowns song...

"When I'm weak, you make me strong;
When I'm blind, you shine your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by, livin' on my own ability
How refreshing to know you don't need me,
How amazing to find that you want me.
So I'll stand on your truth, and I'll fight with your strength
'Til you bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me."
~ Casting Crowns, In Me

And those bold lines - that is what I need to remember. I will make mistakes, but God works even through my mistakes, and it will be ok. Praise God!

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