What really matters...

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." ~ Carl Rogers I have been thinking a lot about change lately. The interesting thing is that in many ways I have also been changing lately. I have been working out 3 times a week for 3 weeks straight, and I just ran 5 miles (say what?! yeah I did that! and in under 11 minutes a mile). I have been journaling almost daily. My apartment is relatively clean - I am working on putting things away at least every night before I go to bed, especially in the kitchen. And there are other things I am working on as well. But the interesting thing about all this to me is why now? Why is this working now? I have tried to make all these changes before, and yet this time, at least so far, it seems to be working. Why now? And I don't really know the answer. But I think a part of it is that I looked at myself, really looked at myself, for who I really am. And I accepted realities about myself tha

"No success or failure should become your identity. No rise or fall can determine who you are. And though that feels simple and sometimes even impossible to believe, that is what I remind myself of everyday. We are God's children. And you and I can rest in the truth of that and be bold in the risks we take and the hope we have. Because our identity is not at stake." ~ Jon Acuff, http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/03/4725/#more-4725 For me, my identity is quite tied up in what other people think of me. When people give me critical feedback, it is like they are saying I am not good enough. And that is a lot of why I don't handle criticism well. Because it's not that the person is saying that I made a mistake, it's like they are saying that I am not good enough. And I get defensive because I want to prove that I AM good enough. And perhaps the person I most want to prove it to is myself. I usually think of myself as a fairly confident per

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1 I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days about ways I need to grow, but the only way I am going to do that is by resting in the amazing, perfect love of God. So that is what I have been trying to do. Interestingly it seems to have given me less to write, at least at the moment. But let me tell you, resting in the love of God is worth it.

"Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender Without losing all control? Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense Deep water faith in the shallow end, and we are caught in the middle. With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is, But will we trade our dreams for his, or are we caught in the middle?" ~ Casting Crowns, "Somewhere in the middle" There are times when I am really reminded of my weaknesses. And this is one of them. The truth is that I am not good at accepting criticism. I know I am not perfect, and I have no problem acknowledging my own weaknesses. But I have a really hard time accepting criticism from others. And when others criticize me, I have a tendency to dwell on it. To think about what I could have and/or should have done better. Or I tend to think up defenses and excuses for why I did what I did, and/or why the other person is wrong. This is not something I like about m

"You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create, you've been remade" ~Tenth Avenue North Every time I hear this song, it speaks to me. As people we have a tendency to focus on the negatives about ourselves. Maybe the reason that we can't forgive others is that we can't forgive ourselves. But the beauty is that God has already forgiven us. "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12. But when we focus on the mistakes we've made and the problems we have created in our lives, it is like we are running from east to west to try to regather them. We need to let it go. When we confess, we have given it to God. Yes, there will still be consequences, and we will need to live with those, but we need to forgive ourselves and not hold onto to the guilt and frustration and anger and ourselves for what w

Tonight I am going to a Third Day and Tenth Avenue North concert with some youth. I know some songs by each band, but decided to spend some time listening to each band this morning, especially Tenth Avenue North since I don't know them as well. I really liked this lyric from their song "Feels Like I've Been Losin'" "This is love or this is hate We all have a choice to make Oh Father won't you forgive them They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no) Oh Father give me grace to forgive them Cause I feel like the one losin'" The rest of the song goes on to talk about how hard it is to turn the other cheek, to forgive seventy times seven times as Jesus tells his disciples we are called to do. And it is hard. And we do feel like the ones losing when we forgive. And our society tells us we need to stand up for ourselves, we need to get even. But the truth is when we forgive, we gain so much more then we lose. And I know I am as gu

"Giving your heart time to pray is like allowing the sun to shine on wintering seeds." ~ Mark Yaconelli, Wonder, Fear, and Longing: A Book of Prayer Sometimes we get caught up in one idea of prayer. But those moments that have been the most powerful connection moments for me have simply been when I have allowed (or forced) myself to stop and focused on God. When I talk about moments I have 2 that come to mind almost immediately, and interestingly they happened at the same place, a couple of years apart. In this case I want to focus on the first moment in that space that really speaks to me... It happened the first summer I worked at Camp Wanake. I wasn't really sure what I had gotten myself into. I didn't know anyone else that was there that summer. I had only been a camper at Wanake one summer and that was when I was 12 years old. I wasn't really thrilled about the idea of spending time without flushing toilets, electricity, etc. I honestly had no clue

"There are no secret truths! There is no spiritual giant out there who has this figured out, while the rest of us are bumbling around in the dark. It is just not that complicated. Jesus summarized spirituality with two commands: Love God and love your neighbor." ~ Adam Hamilton, Seeing Gray in a World of Black and White I think it really easy to get caught up in the idea that there is a right answer, and many times that is simply not the case. I remember when I had just graduated from college and I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do next. I worked at camp the summer after college but I had not a clue what I was going to do when the summer was over. I was clueless. I talked to my friend David about this, and he essentially told me that sometimes there is not a right answer - that if I were to go into school counseling, teach head start, go into Christian education or youth ministry - any of those things are good things - as long as I seek to glorify God in th

There seems to be a theme arising in my journaling and blogging and quotes, and that is the theme of living fully. I have written about living outside fear, about living into who God created me to be, about being willing to look foolish, about living a better story, about letting go of my expectations for life, about being able to ask for help, and more. I am blessed in so many ways in that I feel that I truly to do have a passion for what I do in life. I love my job and the teenagers I work with, and I have passions outside of that as well. But I also acknowledge that there must be more, and that is what I seem to be looking for this Lent. The more that I know is there. It reminds me of a quote I have heard that says, "I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." (Diane Ackerman). I want to take the opportunities that are presented to me and live them fully. . I want

Yesterday I read a devotion in my book of devotions for youth workers that was about helping others. The thing that stuck out to me was how I have such a hard time asking for help. We live in a culture that says "Stand on your own two feet," "Do it yourself," and other such messages. And I think there is value in that, but asking for help is not a sign of weakness. The Bible calls us to service, but in order for that to work, people need to be able to accept help. It is an interdependent relationship. And part of the beauty is that sometimes we serve the other person best by allowing them to serve us. Because when people serve each other, they also are served in the process. I have experienced this so many times in my life. From last night at the volunteer appreciation dinner to bigger things like work mission and the Honduras trip. People who do service often say they feel like they got more out of it then the people they were serving. So sometimes we ar

"That's why grace is so amazing That's why love is so absurd And that's why I sing for a God unchanging That's why I don't care if I look like a fool" ~ Matt Maher, "Look Like a Fool" I have been thinking a lot lately about living outside of my fear - as has probably been evidenced by some of my posts. It is a fact of life that, if we let it, fear will control us and limit the experiences we can have. I don't want my fears to limit me. And the fear that I have the most is being rejected. But the truth is that God was rejected in Jesus. And sometimes it is worth it. Not that I want to go out and seek to be rejected, but I want to live outside of the fear of being rejected. I want to make my choices based on what I believe, based on my own choices outside of fear. That may make me look like a fool - in ways that I am not currently, I mean. I already don't have trouble intentionally looking ridiculous. But I don't want to be af

"Lord of all creation Of water, earth, and sky The heavens are your tabernacle Glory to the Lord on high! God of wonders beyond our galaxy You are holy, holy The universe declares your majesty You are holy, holy Lord of heaven and earth Lord of heaven and earth Early in the morning I will celebrate the light When I stumble in the darkness I will call your name by night. God of wonders beyond our galaxy You are holy, holy The universe declares your majesty You are holy, holy Lord of heaven and earth Lord of heaven and earth Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth" So yesterday and today the weather has just been gorgeous. This is one of my favorite praise songs, though usually I sing it when I see the stars - I think because of the line "God of wonders beyond our galaxy," because I am looking at the stars and they are so incredible, it&

"The thing about writing a story, in real life and on paper, is half the effort is just figuring out what the story is going to be." ~ Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years This is where I feel I am. I have had some good stories in my life. But I don't feel like my life itself is a great story. But I don't know what step to take. In some ways I feel that this Lenten experience is about helping me to understand that. To figure out what the next step is in my story. I have been where I am for awhile. And I've said it, and I've prayed it, and I've thought it - it being that question of "What next? What step do I need to take?" But maybe I am focused on the wrong aspect of my story. See I am looking at the aspect of my story that seems to need fixing and the way I think it needs fixed. But maybe my focus is to narrow. Maybe there is a great story waiting for me to live it, but I am so focused in the direction that I want the

"'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,' declares the Lord. 'As the heavens are higher than the the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." ~ Isaiah 55:8-9 My life is not what I thought it would be. In just a few short months I will be turning 29. And I know that's still young, but this is not where I thought I would be. I was watching Gilmore Girls last night, and this quote that Lorelai said really rung true for me... "I'm happy, you know? I like my life, I like my friends, I like my...stuff. My time, my space, my TV. But every now and then I wish I had a partner. Someone to pick up the slack, someone to wait for the cable guy, make ME coffee in the morning. Meet the stupid sink before it gets shipped back to Canada." That's how I feel. I like my life. I have a job that I love. I love the teenagers I work with, and the adults at my church as well.

"When you tap into the passions of God and begin to explore the unique way he created you and what he might want you to do with that uniqueness, your life will have more meaning. You'll know you're not just passing time or killing time or even spending time, but investing time." "As the Bible says, 'Whatever you do, do it for the glory of God' (1 Corinthians 10:31). Whether it's writing, dancing, playing soccer, painting, serving at a soup kitchen, raising money for a soup kitchen, or talking to the new kid - do everything as if you are doing it for God. That is a life of passion." Both quotes from Zach Hunter, Lose Your Cool Zach Hunter was 16 years old when he wrote these words. I think this is a big part of why I love working with teenagers so much. First of all, they are passionate about everything. It makes me laugh sometimes the exaggerations they use - something was the greatest ever, for example. But those exaggerations show thei

"Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough. Your grace is enough for me." ~ Matt Maher 1 John 4:18-19 - "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because he first loved us." Or as it is paraphrased in The Message, "There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love." 1 John 4:18. Let us trust in God's love and grace enough to get over our fears, and love each other. This is my hope and prayer for the world...

I love good conversations. I think they are one of my favorite things in the world. And this week I was blessed to have 2 really good conversations with 2 good friends. But the one I am still thinking about it the one I had yesterday. I don't even know how Emily and I got on the topic, but we started talking about what I call "I'm right, you're stupid" syndrome that seems to permeate our society. I call it this because as I look at things people post on blogs, on facebook, in the comments of news articles, I see things go very quickly from stating a opinion to name-calling. It's beyond the point of "I'm right, and if you disagree with me, you're wrong," to the point of "I'm right, and if you disagree with me you're the biggest idiot that ever existed and your opinion has no value whatsoever." Hence the name, "I'm right, you're stupid" syndrome. And I know that not everyone is this way, I am blessed

"The most often repeated commandment in the Bible is "Do not fear." It's in there over two hundred times. That means a couple of things, if you think about it. It means we are going to be afraid, and it means we shouldn't let fear boss us around." Donald Miller , A Million Miles in a Thousand Years I actually read this quote yesterday but decided to focus on the other one instead. But then I didn't really read anything that stuck out more to me today - or last night for that matter. I am reading so many books right now, it can be a bit challenging to keep them straight, but I am really challenged by this Donald Miller book. It's all about stories and what it takes to make our lives good stories. And the truth is, my life is not that great a story. I don't know if it's fear that keeps me in this not-so-great story, or maybe it's laziness or lack of motivation, or maybe it's simply that I have no idea what I want in life that wou

Last night I picked up a devotion book that I haven't read in awhile that is designed for youth workers. And the one that I happened to read last night was about remembering God's grace and not getting too caught up in what we "should" do. This is a excerpt from what I read... "Do you ever feel if you prayed more, read your Bible more, served more, or evangelized more that God's love for you would increase? We know in our hearts that it's not true, but that doesn't stop us from feeling guilty that we're not doing enough... So today is all about embracing God's grace. It's about knowing that you don't have to do anything to make him love you. He already loves you as much as he can, and that's not going to change." ~ Liz Hoeksma, Soul Food for Youth Workers It was an apt thing to read as I start this Lenten journey because I am working on having a daily quiet time and doing daily journaling in the evening and blogging in

So I started this blog last year as something I was going to do for Lent. That got derailed when a big chunk of my life fell apart and I had no words to type. Life is different now, but it is what it is, so as a part of my Lenten commitment, I am going to try this again. Here goes nothing... Last night I was reading Almost Christian by Kenda Creasy Dean which is about a study that was done on the faith of teenagers and what that tells us about the church in the US. This quote stuck out to me "The goal of Christian formation is not church membership, but more perfect love of God and neighbor. Jesus did not call people to come to church, he called people to follow him." I think sometimes we think the goal is getting people, especially teenagers, to church. I wrote in my journal last night "I think one of the dangers of my job is that it is easy to become too focused on church and not focused enough on Christ. Too focused on programs, and not focused enough on peop