Like ketchup on spaghetti

Have you ever tried to put words to something that simply wasn't describable? At youth group several years ago, we were having sloppy joes for dinner, and one of the youth had never had a sloppy joe before so he asked what it tasted like. And the rest of struggled to come up with the words to describe what exactly a sloppy joe tastes like. Because the truth is that the only way you know what a sloppy joe tastes like is if you taste it. And that is a limit of language: it can't fully convey an experience or a thought.

When I lead team building, I talk about the importance communication when working with others, and I like to say there are 3 parts to communication.

Part 1. Sending a message or information. This can be through talking, physical contact, facial expressions, body language, writing/typing, gestures, smoke signals - any way we can think of to send a message. This is where communication starts. But if this is all that happens - there is no communication. Just a message lost in space.  

Part 2: Receiving a message or information. In order for communication to happen, the message cannot simply be sent - someone has to receive it. So if someone is talking, someone needs to be listening. I can write this blog, but it is not communication until someone reads it. You get the point. 

And let's be honest - sometimes we get stuck in part 1 with a lot of people talking, and nobody listening. This is definitely a place where communication breaks down. But we also often stop here. If you ask someone to define communication, a lot of times that definition will stop with talking and listening, or sending and receiving of information. But where I see the most communication break downs is part 3...

Part 3: Understanding the message or information. See we all view things through our own filters, and even when we speak the same language we say things in different ways. For example, what does next Tuesday mean to you? Does it mean the very next Tuesday? Or Tuesday of next week? If I ask you to go to the store to buy tomato sauce, what do you come back with? A jar of pasta sauce? A can of tomato sauce? Ketchup? If I'm making spaghetti, your answer matters. It may seem like a silly example, but it is representative of a huge challenge in communication.

I read this quote recently: "We don't listen to understand, we listen to reply." Read that again, and ask yourself if it's true for you. I know there are times when it is true of me. I will be having a conversation, and realize I have no idea what the other person is saying because I have thought of this great story that fits with something they just said.

There are two things that can help us to understand each other. First, we need to be specific and intentional in the messages that we send. We need to think about how the message might be received. We need to consider the person receiving the message in how we frame it. We also need to try to listen with the filter of the person speaking. Here's a real world example of that last point: many years ago, I was hanging out with my boyfriend at the time and we were trying to figure out something to do. We really struggled with deciding on something (shocking, I know - I'm so decisive about such things), and he asked the question, "Do you care that I'm here?" I heard the question as - "do you mind if I stick around?" So I answered no.  At which point, he got up and left.  I sat there baffled for a moment, until I thought through the question with his filters and realized that what he was really asking was, "Do you even care that we spend time together?" At which point, I followed him outside and explained the miscommunication. Not surprisingly, we broke up that night because that conversation epitomized much of our communication.

The second thing that can help us understand each other better: asking questions. Instead of assuming you know what someone else means, ask questions. Engage in dialogue. Seek to understand. It doesn't mean you have to agree. But in seeking to understand why someone thinks the way they do, we can learn from each other, and if nothing else respect.

One last story. I had two friends in college who were roommates. One day in class, they told the rest of us about this argument they had gotten into about a hot button issue. They were on completely different sides about the issue and they argued about it for a long time. And eventually they realized that neither was going to change the other's mind. But more importantly, they discovered they had both come to their opinions on the issue from a place of love, and because of that, they were able to respect each other.

The truth is our language is limited. And our communication will never be perfect. Sometimes it will end up like ketchup on spaghetti. But if we can create more understanding in our world, maybe we can grow to respect and love each other the way we have been called to do, even when we disagree. And I wonder how our conversations would change if we really did listen to understand, and ask questions instead of assuming we knew the answers.