The illusion of safety
Safety. We all like to think we can create "safe" spaces in our lives, and especially for the young people in our care. But this is again trying to control things that in reality are not controllable. We are grasping at straws for control, and what ends up happening is often the opposite result of what we seek.
When I was leading high ropes course one time, one of my co-leaders brought up a study that said you are more likely to get hurt in a high school gym class than on a ropes course. I also frequently heard and then repeated to other groups that when you arrive at the high ropes course or rock wall, you have already done the most dangerous part of your trip - the drive there. But because these are things we do on a regular basis with no consequence, the perceived risk is lower than climbing 35 feet in the air and walking across wires with only a few small ropes to hold you. And I have to say that I am one of those people who theoretically knows that the ropes will hold me when I am in the air, but I don't feel it, and so I hold on to those ropes for dear life because even though I know that I can let go, and that holding on does me no good, and sometimes actually makes crossing elements a little more challenging, it makes me feel better to feel like I am controlling something.
The reality is that we do this in our churches, and it is hurting our young people. We try so hard to minimize risk that we overprotect young people which frequently leads to 1 of 2 consequences: 1. They turn away from us because they want to take risks and experience life or 2. They have been so effectively scared of the world that they are afraid to move forward.
One of my favorite verses, 1 John 4:18 says that perfect love casts out fear. The church's overprotectiveness is a result of our fears. But the reality is that we are not called to be afraid. We are called to trust in God's perfect love. We cannot shelter our young people from the reality of the world around us - when we do that we do not equip them to deal with that reality when they find themselves in the midst of it.
All of this reflection is based on Chapter 5 of the book I talked about before, You Lost Me by David Kinnaman. Kinnaman gives these characteristics to overprotective churches: characterizing things that are not Christian as evil, making strict rules about media (basically as in not watching it), oversimplifying the tough stuff of life and providing "easy formulas" for complex situations, discouraging risk taking and using fear as motivation in that regard, painting a false picture of reality. Have you experienced any of these within the church? I know I have. For me, the most common, and really the most dangerous ones, I see are oversimplifying the tough stuff of life and painting a false picture of reality. When we do these things, we are essentially lying to our young people. And when they found out that those easy formulas we offered don't work, and the world we painted to them doesn't exist, they won't trust us.
We need to move towards honesty. Sure there is a time to be protective of our kids. But we need to explain to them why we are being protective. We need to be honest with them about the realities of the world. We need to teach them how to deal with those realities. We need to allow them to take risks. And most importantly, we need to do these things ourselves. God did not call us to live in a bubble. He called us to take risks in his name. In Matthew 16:25, Jesus says, "For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it." When we focus on keeping ourselves and our loved one safe, we take our focus off Jesus. And we are also attempting to do an unattainable task because safety is an illusion. Instead, we need to focus on God, allow his perfect love to cast out our fears, and live the lives he calls us to live. And we need to pass on this discernment to the next generation. As Kinnaman says, we need to move from overprotectiveness to discernment in our churches, and I think he's right.
When I was leading high ropes course one time, one of my co-leaders brought up a study that said you are more likely to get hurt in a high school gym class than on a ropes course. I also frequently heard and then repeated to other groups that when you arrive at the high ropes course or rock wall, you have already done the most dangerous part of your trip - the drive there. But because these are things we do on a regular basis with no consequence, the perceived risk is lower than climbing 35 feet in the air and walking across wires with only a few small ropes to hold you. And I have to say that I am one of those people who theoretically knows that the ropes will hold me when I am in the air, but I don't feel it, and so I hold on to those ropes for dear life because even though I know that I can let go, and that holding on does me no good, and sometimes actually makes crossing elements a little more challenging, it makes me feel better to feel like I am controlling something.
The reality is that we do this in our churches, and it is hurting our young people. We try so hard to minimize risk that we overprotect young people which frequently leads to 1 of 2 consequences: 1. They turn away from us because they want to take risks and experience life or 2. They have been so effectively scared of the world that they are afraid to move forward.
One of my favorite verses, 1 John 4:18 says that perfect love casts out fear. The church's overprotectiveness is a result of our fears. But the reality is that we are not called to be afraid. We are called to trust in God's perfect love. We cannot shelter our young people from the reality of the world around us - when we do that we do not equip them to deal with that reality when they find themselves in the midst of it.
All of this reflection is based on Chapter 5 of the book I talked about before, You Lost Me by David Kinnaman. Kinnaman gives these characteristics to overprotective churches: characterizing things that are not Christian as evil, making strict rules about media (basically as in not watching it), oversimplifying the tough stuff of life and providing "easy formulas" for complex situations, discouraging risk taking and using fear as motivation in that regard, painting a false picture of reality. Have you experienced any of these within the church? I know I have. For me, the most common, and really the most dangerous ones, I see are oversimplifying the tough stuff of life and painting a false picture of reality. When we do these things, we are essentially lying to our young people. And when they found out that those easy formulas we offered don't work, and the world we painted to them doesn't exist, they won't trust us.
We need to move towards honesty. Sure there is a time to be protective of our kids. But we need to explain to them why we are being protective. We need to be honest with them about the realities of the world. We need to teach them how to deal with those realities. We need to allow them to take risks. And most importantly, we need to do these things ourselves. God did not call us to live in a bubble. He called us to take risks in his name. In Matthew 16:25, Jesus says, "For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it." When we focus on keeping ourselves and our loved one safe, we take our focus off Jesus. And we are also attempting to do an unattainable task because safety is an illusion. Instead, we need to focus on God, allow his perfect love to cast out our fears, and live the lives he calls us to live. And we need to pass on this discernment to the next generation. As Kinnaman says, we need to move from overprotectiveness to discernment in our churches, and I think he's right.
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