And yet...


I am so fortunate. I start with that because I am not in the best mental space as I write this, so I want you to know up front that I know how fortunate I am to lead the life I do. I have a wonderful family and support system. I have a flexible job that I enjoy that also gives me the opportunity to spend my days with my young daughter. I have a house that we are working on making our own. And I am so grateful for all these things and so much more.

And yet… Actually, I don’t even know quite where to go with those two words yet. I just know that I feel unsatisfied by those things, like there’s something missing. It’s almost as if my life has been consumed by those things – my family, my daughter, my job, my house – and I don’t know where I am anymore. I am lost in inside my own life.

And so today I begin a journey of finding myself again. Not because I don’t love and appreciate each of those things, but because I need to get out of this rut. Because right now I feel like I am a great mom and struggling to keep my head above water with everything else. We moved into a new house 2.5 months ago and it’s still a mess of unpacked boxes and things that need organized – and that doesn’t even include the projects like painting we would like to do to make the house our own. Add to that the fact that I can’t keep up with the cleaning, and the to do list never ends. Then there are the things on my to do list for work that have been there for months because more time-sensitive things keep coming up and I just can’t seem to get to it all. And yes, the mom piece is the most important one, but the other things matter too, and I feel like my life is a giant to do list that never ends. 

Self-care seems like a pipe dream. And like “one more thing” I should be doing. And yet (there are those words again!), I know it is exactly what I need. So I've decided. It’s time to start figuring out how to incorporate myself back into my life. I’m excited to see where it leads.

Today it led to Panera for a lunch (mmm mac and cheese!) with me and my laptop (and a cold brew coffee) and writing this blog. Tomorrow? Who knows! And that’s part of the fun for someone like me who doesn’t appreciate the predictable. Onward to the unknown; I’m ready for the adventure!

Comments

  1. CarlaSeptember 3, 2019 at 6:20 PM

    Every day and every stage of motherhood takes real work to find balance for yourself and all your roles. Somedays you will have it all together. Others days will feel like it is all falling apart. Breathe deep. You will find yourself again and all the other roles you have will be sweeter for it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

In need of ideas...

So today it is 45 days until my 30th birthday... or as I have referred to it sometimes, the 1st anniversary of my 29th birthday. But the 6th graders found that confusing and thought it meant I was 58, so that was not ideal... Anyway, the point behind bring all this up is I want to come up with a list of 30 things to accomplish in the 30 days leading up to my birthday. It works out well because exactly 30 days before my birthday is the quarter marathon. Other things already on the list are party like I'm 29, and moving to my new apartment. I took the plunge and joined pinterest today, so I have also been getting ideas there, though I have not started my goal list yet. Some thoughts I have from pinterest include trying a new recipe and creating some of my own art work. But I need more ideas - so let's brainstorm! What ideas do you have?
Read more

"Don't let me become an elephant"

Image
I am in love with the new Tenth Avenue North single, "Losing."  If you haven't heard it yet, I highly recommend checking it out. This part particularly sticks out to me:  "Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart? We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground We build our bridges up, but just to burn them down We think pain is owed apologies and then it'll stop But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound Of Mercy and Your Grace, Father, send Your angels down (singin') Oh, Father, won't you forgive them? They don't know what they've been doing (oh, no) Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them Cause I feel like the one losing I feel like I've been losing" (Emphasis mine) After my blog post the other day, I was thinking about what we, as the church, are doing.
Read more

Compassion

Matthew 9:36-38 When Jesus saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field." Today I am beginning the 30 hour famine. I get to eat lunch, and then I will not have anything but juice and gum until tomorrow at dinner. Considering the craving to simply nibble I have had the past week, that will likely be quite challenging, though the fact that I will be kept busy will certainly help. The point of the 30 hour famine is to give the kids the experience of what it is like to be hungry as they raise money to help the hungry. And the point I always emphasize to them, is that they always know there is an end point - we will have a delicious meal of baked pasta at 6pm on Saturday. The people we are trying to help, those who are actually without food, t
Read more