Regrets

I want to live with no regrets. I want to get to the end of my life and be content with the decisions I have made. Oh, I know that I will make mistakes. I am not perfect. But I think right now my regret is that I push people away. The truth is I am pretty self-sufficient. I visited my mom recently and when were talking, she told stories of me growing up and how I would just take care of myself. Once when I was really little we were visiting my aunt and uncle, and I had been sitting on the floor and then suddenly they noticed I was gone. I was little enough that this was something to be concerned about, so they went looking for me. And eventually found me asleep in the room that I had been told I would be staying in. That's me. I'm the person who manages by myself. But that's not who I want to be. I want to let go of that control. I want to trust someone wholly with who I am. I want to let people in, let them see the real me, not just the image I project on the surface. And I think in some ways I do that. Emily and Anna certainly are a major support system for me. I rely on them for emotional support in times that things come crashing down around me - like they did with my family recently. But what would I have done that night if they had not been available? Would I have just swallowed it? And what am I doing now?

It's the holidays, and I feel like people expect me to be upset about things. It hasn't even been a year, closer to 6 months since the divorce was official and my mom moved to Maine. But I don't really feel that way. What does that say about me? That I don't even let myself feel things? I don't think that's true. I am certainly feeling tonight. I feel lonely. And perhaps a little bit off kilter.

The other thing that I got out my visit to my mom was the importance of saying what you feel and think. People aren't mind readers, and if you don't tell them what's going on, they don't know. So if you want something, sometimes you have to say it. But how do you know when to say things, and when to be patient? I am not very good at the patience part so I tend to say things when I maybe shouldn't.

These are things I am trying to learn. Things I am trying to practice in my relationships with family and friends. I need to let go of the need to be in control of myself. I have written about this before, maybe not here but elsewhere. I have gotten much better about this in some ways but I think my emotions are still very much under control.

And there is what is real to me tonight...

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