What really matters...

I just spent a week at Wanake, and it was great except it made me quite nostalgic. I miss those days. The days where everyone at Wanake was my friend - at least to some extent of the word, though some were obviously closer friends than others. I miss the random moments, the laughter, the hugs, the great conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love my life now. But there was something kind of magical about that time at Wanake. And being back there reminded me of those days. Then I stopped at David and Renae's and had some amazing conversation with them, spent the night on their couch, and had more amazing conversation this morning before I drove back home. And since I got home I have read email. I have watched my netflix movie. I have relaxed. And while I appreciate the alone time, the only conversations I have had since leaving David and Renae's this morning have been over the phone. And now I am sitting here, and there's this amazing storm going on outside, an...

"It's not a matter of what we've done in life that counts. It's what we've learned that makes the difference between wisdom and experience." ~ Joan Chittester As is pretty clear by the dates on my posts, I have been slacking for about a week on my journaling and blogging. But the thing that I have learned in the past when I have made changes in my life is that I can't berate myself when I mess it up, it just makes me more likely to quit. Instead, I just need to start again, and keep going. That is the wisdom I have gained from my past experience with trying to make changes in my life. Rabbi Nahman of Bratslav said, "If you won't be better tomorrow than you were today, then what do you need tomorrow for?" So I will keep trying. And when I fall, I will get back up again and keep going. I can do this.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." ~ Carl Rogers I have been thinking a lot about change lately. The interesting thing is that in many ways I have also been changing lately. I have been working out 3 times a week for 3 weeks straight, and I just ran 5 miles (say what?! yeah I did that! and in under 11 minutes a mile). I have been journaling almost daily. My apartment is relatively clean - I am working on putting things away at least every night before I go to bed, especially in the kitchen. And there are other things I am working on as well. But the interesting thing about all this to me is why now? Why is this working now? I have tried to make all these changes before, and yet this time, at least so far, it seems to be working. Why now? And I don't really know the answer. But I think a part of it is that I looked at myself, really looked at myself, for who I really am. And I accepted realities about myself tha...

"No success or failure should become your identity. No rise or fall can determine who you are. And though that feels simple and sometimes even impossible to believe, that is what I remind myself of everyday. We are God's children. And you and I can rest in the truth of that and be bold in the risks we take and the hope we have. Because our identity is not at stake." ~ Jon Acuff, http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/03/4725/#more-4725 For me, my identity is quite tied up in what other people think of me. When people give me critical feedback, it is like they are saying I am not good enough. And that is a lot of why I don't handle criticism well. Because it's not that the person is saying that I made a mistake, it's like they are saying that I am not good enough. And I get defensive because I want to prove that I AM good enough. And perhaps the person I most want to prove it to is myself. I usually think of myself as a fairly confident per...

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1 I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days about ways I need to grow, but the only way I am going to do that is by resting in the amazing, perfect love of God. So that is what I have been trying to do. Interestingly it seems to have given me less to write, at least at the moment. But let me tell you, resting in the love of God is worth it.

"Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender Without losing all control? Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense Deep water faith in the shallow end, and we are caught in the middle. With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is, But will we trade our dreams for his, or are we caught in the middle?" ~ Casting Crowns, "Somewhere in the middle" There are times when I am really reminded of my weaknesses. And this is one of them. The truth is that I am not good at accepting criticism. I know I am not perfect, and I have no problem acknowledging my own weaknesses. But I have a really hard time accepting criticism from others. And when others criticize me, I have a tendency to dwell on it. To think about what I could have and/or should have done better. Or I tend to think up defenses and excuses for why I did what I did, and/or why the other person is wrong. This is not something I like about m...

"You are more than the choices that you've made, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create, you've been remade" ~Tenth Avenue North Every time I hear this song, it speaks to me. As people we have a tendency to focus on the negatives about ourselves. Maybe the reason that we can't forgive others is that we can't forgive ourselves. But the beauty is that God has already forgiven us. "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12. But when we focus on the mistakes we've made and the problems we have created in our lives, it is like we are running from east to west to try to regather them. We need to let it go. When we confess, we have given it to God. Yes, there will still be consequences, and we will need to live with those, but we need to forgive ourselves and not hold onto to the guilt and frustration and anger and ourselves for what w...